The New Way to Start a Conversation
Would you pay for every chat you had?
Think about the best conversations you’ve ever had with someone. How did you get there? Unless you are a natural conversationalist, chances are someone else started it.
Today’s influencers and experts have something in common. They are focused on showing you how to get better at a subject, run a mile faster, or even eat healthier. But we often disregard one of the most critical skills in the world.
And that is communication.
It’s how you do it, not why. Your content can be unique, but if you don’t display it well, people can’t follow it. Conversations are supposed to be easy, constructive, and serve a purpose — which is to share. Anything deviant from this seems too maneuvered, or even fake.
Not following these guidelines means you are not really ‘conversing,’ and realistically, you may be wasting the other person’s time.
No matter the topic you get into when meeting someone (or seeing them for the first time in a while), you tend to ask them how they are. We’ve all been through it.
Their response also follows a pattern that feels much like checking boxes in a to-do list. Except checklists give you some pleasure.
‘I’m good’ is what I hear the most these days — neither legit nor exciting.
We’re in the middle of a pandemic, a world racial conflict, economies are crumbling around the world. All of that, on top of your problems. And you’re just ‘good?’ I highly doubt it.
But you’re not wrong. I’m also guilty of it. ‘How are you’ is just an attempt to follow societal norms. We try to establish rapport because if we don’t do this, some people may think you are rude. But then what comes after isn’t that better.
“If it’s always a sunny day, the weather becomes uninteresting.” — Michael Lewis
There are two main pathways a normal conversation can lead to:
- You may ask that person what they are feeling and be genuinely interested in their response.
- Or, you do what everyone else does. You talk about something completely different, only after the pleasantries walk in through the red carpet.
None of those is wrong. But both could be better. We don’t have any official conversation training even if you feel you can speak to people quite easily.
I’d also say I’m pretty fluent in breathing, having never studied or read a book on it. Other people may say I’m just a rookie at it, but hey, I’m still here.
Much like breathing, conversing should be worked on to yield better results.
Genuine conversations
To know if I’m having a genuine conversation, I ask myself: Would you pay for this chat you’re having?
Genuine conversations always require full participation. Stop worrying about being interesting and worry about being interested.
They are the ultimate and original information sharing method, so every one of them should give you something new. That may be a perspective, an opinion, or an entirely new piece of information.
Authenticity is how we persuade people. It’s how we create better marketing and how we craft relationships.
For years, it has been a matter of study in many of the best psychology schools throughout the world. But more than a research topic, it is a state of mind. It should work as something ingrained in yourself, acting as a pillar to better sharing, and thus, connecting truthfully.
Are You Adding Value?
Think of it this way: Would people watch your conversations on Netflix? Are they worth a podcast?
If not, there’s room for improvement.
When you speak with someone you think can help you, you automatically understand the motive to sound impressive. Interviews are the best example here. The interviewer has a job you want, and you want to seem great for it, but you still can’t lie.
You guarantee a conversational flow. You both ask engaging questions and start to learn something new without even knowing.
There is a reason why some conference speakers feel comfortable on stage. Questions come to them, and they speak freely, according to what they know. They genuinely believe that they can contribute to that topic and are interested in the conversation in general.
But even in a more ‘one-sided’ conversation, if they can’t find the motive to respond, questions will die down quickly, and instantly disrupt the conversational flow.
Although, of course, not every conversation is interesting. Some sports are more engaging than others, but I’ve learned tons from reading on archery.
What you are looking for is value. Challenge yourself to find your value to the conversation you are getting into. The more often you do this, the easier it gets.
Besides, if there is any part of you that would not like to be in that conversation, respectfully kill it. Faking it is the quickest way to kill the conversational flow before it started.
Do This Instead
Always take something from the conversation. Take notes if you need to.
I started doing this months ago. I revisit my weekly talks and remember amazing things I’d naturally forget otherwise. All these notes bring me as much value as the best-rated podcasts I listen to. When you realize everyone has something to share, things get fun.
Some people think it’s insane to skip the pleasantries. I opt for ignoring them, and I feel like I just got an intravenous infusion of creativity.
So, what can you do instead? Here are some examples of non-boring conversation kick-starters:
What is something new you’re working on?
What absolutely excites you now?
What is the most important thing I should know about you?
What are you reading right now?
If you could know the total and absolute truth to a question, what question would that be?
How can I help you achieve X right now?
All of these questions spur genuine conversation, add value, and run away from feelings (at least at first). They guarantee a big enough shock to make the conversation exciting and lead you down a path of creativity.
They provoke thought and, at least, leave other people with a long-lasting ‘remarkable’ feeling.
Thanks for reading! What did you think? Leave me a note here or at gvdumit@gmail.com
